I’ve been contemplating the choices I have made regarding the complacency I have towards myself and the lack of self-honouring with my body, time and money.
When I rush into a decision it means there’s never any space for me to truly feel in my body where the impulse is coming from – from a need, or a lack or to be recognised in some way? (All of the above!)
Underneath there is a strong pull that takes me out of myself when it happens – what’s that about?
There’s part of me that absolutely knows truth, what’s true for me and what’s not – the Soul. And the part that is reckless and doesn’t consider the consequences and treats the body with disregard – the Spirit.
The arrogance of the Spirit part of me has taken me on many a roller-coaster ride of disregard over the years and interestingly, even though I know what’s going on, and can see it clearly – I still choose to be taken for a ride and end up giving myself a hard time for the errors I make when I don’t stop and listen long enough to make a TRUE decision that’s loving for me. It’s crazy!
So the consequences bite me on the arse and I then literally have to pay for my mistakes for years.
What is it that drives that complacent disregard? There’s a conscious decision to leave the wisdom and grace of my Soul to go for a ride on the Spirit’s heady wave of intoxication. I know the feeling and it’s charged with determination and a mind that wants to do whatever is necessary to get or do the ‘thing’.
My wardrobe is fabulous, no doubt about that. But there’s an excess in how I accumulate goods that far out-weighs the loving expression of ME required in a corporate environment.
The force I call in takes charge and uses me like a puppet to manipulate my life, finances, decision making and career and relationship choices. I choose to give my power away to that force and don’t take responsibility for where my energy is coming from. I blame the ‘issue’ I have created as the problem and the gooey mess that is self-created I then have to wade through, stuck with the consequences of not being me – really Sarah??
There was a huge painted sign on a fence in a field on the M40 from Beaconsfield on the drive into London and it said – WHY DO I DO THIS EVERY DAY?
Great question!
Why don’t I simply be the Soul-full Love that I am and stop all the other behaviour that causes me so much pain-full implications?
I have a squillion excuses that are wearing very thin but here are a few to break the ice –
- It’s hard to slow down in a corporate environment
- I had to respond to the email straight immediately, it’s urgent
- That person needed immediate feedback
- I ran out of time
- I really need that new car, it will be an asset
- The suit/shirt/shoes/scarf/lingerie is on sale
- I’ve always wanted a (insert a million items here) and I’m earning good money now so am going to treat myself
- What the heck!
- I don’t trust myself enough
- It’s always been this way, it’s just how it is
- It’s too late to change
- It’s too hard to stop when everyone around me is running a million miles an hour
- The world is harsh
- I’m not strong enough
- It’s like a runaway train I can’t control
- Blah blah blah
Serge Benhayon sent me a response to an “It’s too hard – what’s wrong with me?” email yesterday with the very simple “It’s time to count your blessings and not your imperfections.”
The healing I felt was then expressed as TRUTH …
So just to clarify, the choices I’m making to self-sabotage are not being driven by anything from the past? They are from choices to not be the love that I am now …
So all I need to do is just be the love that I am and stop punishing myself for things in the past?
“Very correct” came the reply – That’s it? That simple?
Note to self Sarah – take time to contemplate on everything – what I eat, how I eat, what I spend money on, how I send that email and how I type – everything. Slow it down gorgeous.
So my journey deeper to my own Soulful-Self-Love begins and the decision to simply be honest with myself and stop the perpetual motion of the Spirit that has driven me.
A new day, a new beginning and an opportunity to explore how I express with grace, tenderness and deep kindness.
With Love
Sarah
