Contemplation on Self-Sabotage

I’ve been contemplating the choices I have made regarding the complacency I have towards myself and the lack of self-honouring with my body, time and money.

When I rush into a decision it means there’s never any space for me to truly feel in my body where the impulse is coming from – from a need, or a lack or to be recognised in some way? (All of the above!)

Underneath there is a strong pull that takes me out of myself when it happens – what’s that about?

There’s part of me that absolutely knows truth, what’s true for me and what’s not – the Soul. And the part that is reckless and doesn’t consider the consequences and treats the body with disregard – the Spirit.

The arrogance of the Spirit part of me has taken me on many a roller-coaster ride of disregard over the years and interestingly, even though I know what’s going on, and can see it clearly – I still choose to be taken for a ride and end up giving myself a hard time for the errors I make when I don’t stop and listen long enough to make a TRUE decision that’s loving for me. It’s crazy!

So the consequences bite me on the arse and I then literally have to pay for my mistakes for years.

What is it that drives that complacent disregard? There’s a conscious decision to leave the wisdom and grace of my Soul to go for a ride on the Spirit’s heady wave of intoxication. I know the feeling and it’s charged with determination and a mind that wants to do whatever is necessary to get or do the ‘thing’.

My wardrobe is fabulous, no doubt about that. But there’s an excess in how I accumulate goods that far out-weighs the loving expression of ME required in a corporate environment.

The force I call in takes charge and uses me like a puppet to manipulate my life, finances, decision making and career and relationship choices. I choose to give my power away to that force and don’t take responsibility for where my energy is coming from. I blame the ‘issue’ I have created as the problem and the gooey mess that is self-created I then have to wade through, stuck with the consequences of not being me – really Sarah??

There was a huge painted sign on a fence in a field on the M40 from Beaconsfield on the drive into London and it said – WHY DO I DO THIS EVERY DAY?

Great question!

Why don’t I simply be the Soul-full Love that I am and stop all the other behaviour that causes me so much pain-full implications?

I have a squillion excuses that are wearing very thin but here are a few to break the ice –

  1. It’s hard to slow down in a corporate environment
  2. I had to respond to the email straight immediately, it’s urgent
  3. That person needed immediate feedback
  4. I ran out of time
  5. I really need that new car, it will be an asset
  6. The suit/shirt/shoes/scarf/lingerie is on sale
  7. I’ve always wanted a (insert a million items here) and I’m earning good money now so am going to treat myself
  8. What the heck!
  9. I don’t trust myself enough
  10. It’s always been this way, it’s just how it is
  11. It’s too late to change
  12. It’s too hard to stop when everyone around me is running a million miles an hour
  13. The world is harsh
  14. I’m not strong enough
  15. It’s like a runaway train I can’t control
  16. Blah blah blah

Serge Benhayon sent me a response to an “It’s too hard – what’s wrong with me?” email yesterday with the very simple “It’s time to count your blessings and not your imperfections.”

The healing I felt was then expressed as TRUTH …

So just to clarify, the choices I’m making to self-sabotage are not being driven by anything from the past? They are from choices to not be the love that I am now

So all I need to do is just be the love that I am and stop punishing myself for things in the past?

“Very correct” came the reply – That’s it? That simple?

Note to self Sarah – take time to contemplate on everything – what I eat, how I eat, what I spend money on, how I send that email and how I type – everything. Slow it down gorgeous.

So my journey deeper to my own Soulful-Self-Love begins and the decision to simply be honest with myself and stop the perpetual motion of the Spirit that has driven me.

A new day, a new beginning and an opportunity to explore how I express with grace, tenderness and deep kindness.

With Love

Sarah